God has given me a significant burden for ministering to families over the past decade.  I have felt a simultaneously increasing desire to know and obey the will of God in this area, on one hand, and realization that I haven’t done or seen it done well on the other hand (personally or pastorally).  That is, up until relatively recently, I have had very little clarity on what a God-pleasing ministry to families would or should look like. 

The purpose of this message isn’t to declare that I now have everything figured out; I don’t.  However, over the past several months I do believe that God has caused some pieces of the puzzle of family ministry to fall into place for me.  This newfound clarity has brought about a newfound joy at the prospect that I might, as a father and a pastor, be able to commend the works of God to the next generation in a way that is pleasing to God and helpful to His Church.  What follows is a vision for glorifying God by ministering rightly to families that has been brewing in me for over a decade.  I pray that you would find it faithful to Scripture, glorifying to God, and profitable for holiness and obedience in you, your family, and your church. 

Specifically, my goals for this weekend are:

1.   That we’d all leave here with a common understanding of what the Bible has to say about parenting.

2.   That we’d all commit ourselves to parenting according to the Bible.

3.   That we’d all commit ourselves to helping one another out (in prayer, accountability, recommending resources, providing examples, etc.) in parenting biblically.

4.   That we’d all leave here feeling well equipped to do what the Bible calls us to do.

5.   That we’d all leave here burdened for a ministry structure at Grace that is consistent with Scripture and truly helpful for parents.

History

I grew up in a very loving home where manners and obedience and respect and achievement and relationships and fun were expected.  That is, I grew up in a family where I never had to doubt that my parents loved me, were in authority over me, wanted what was best for me, enjoyed spending time with me, or that they desired (and, to some degree, required) my success in life.  They helped with homework, drove me to practices, came to all my games, comforted me when I was hurt, took me on vacations, showed affection for me and each other, fed and clothed me, and prayed with me before meals and bed.  I felt safe and loved and wanted and confident. 

I did not grow up in a home, however, that had much of a view as to how these things related to God.  We went to church on a regular basis, but there was a decided non-integration between our Sunday morning habit and the rest of our lives.  From my perspective, church was something that we did merely because it was something that was supposed to be done.  I don’t remember connections ever being made between the standard of God and expected behavior or between the nature of God and virtue or between the Word of God and purpose in life or between the love of Christ and the need to treat people in a certain way.  My parents taught me a great deal (and I am very thankful for it), but I did not learn from them what it looks like for a family to be primarily about the business of glorifying God by following Jesus in the power of the Spirit.  Growing up, I did not see (in my home or in the homes of any of my friends), what I now believe to be the primary purpose of a family, namely Psalm 145:4 and Matthew 28:18-20 and Deuteronomy 6:4-9 practiced. 

It was with this backdrop that I encountered the gospel and entered ministry.  I came to hear and believe and love the gospel for the first time when I was 19 years old, at the end of my freshman year in college.  Almost immediately I became active in a local church and a ministry to college students.  However, within our church there wasn’t a great deal of interaction between the college students and the rest of the church.  Likewise, the collegiate ministry that I was a part of was fairly self-contained (college students and a few other adults ministering to college students).  Therefore, the issue of family rarely (if ever) came up. 

Immediately after college Gerri and I were married and spent a year ministering to teenagers through a ministry that had us in a different city each day and a different state each week.  Again, there wasn’t a lot of interaction with families in this context either. 

Then, in 1999, I became a youth pastor (who had never been to a youth group or even around a youth ministry).  And so I began by doing what all youth pastors do…ministering to other people’s kids.  Since we still didn’t have any kids of our own and since an overwhelming majority of the youth that we were working with did not have parents who were apart of our (or any) church, at 26 years old, having been a Christian for seven years, and having been in full-time ministry for four years, I still had not been confronted with the question that is at the center of this paper: What should the relationship be between parents, their kids, and the local church in the context of ministering to kids?

From 1995 (when I became a Christian) to 2001ish, I had matured quite a bit as a person and as a Christian.  I had grown significantly in my understanding Scripture and ministry within the context of the local church.  It was at this point I experienced two strange things that began what would be an-almost-decade-long quest to answer a question that I felt for years before I could even ask: What should the relationship be between parents, their kids, and the local church in the context of ministering to kids?  The first thing that happened was the birth of our son, Jeremiah.  Having a child of my own forced me to consider questions of spiritual growth, responsibility, and relationships between parents and the church.  The second thing that happened around this time, in my third year as a youth pastor, was that I began to notice certain things that just didn’t seem right.  Specifically, I saw that the kids who did not have parents praying for them and modeling faith in Christ at home seemed to be struggling quite a bit (years after their conversion).  I also began to feel an uneasiness about taking on the responsibility of being the primary disciple-maker in the lives of other people’s kids. 

Not sure what to do about this I encountered a world of frustration.  I tried many things that just didn’t seem to work.  I tried sending out a weekly parent’s letter, but I got no response.  I tried hosting parent’s banquets, but few came.  I tried encouraging those involved in our adult ministries to consider reaching out to the non-Christian parents of our teens, but they weren’t sure where to begin.  I tried having events hosted in student’s homes, but parents often resisted (or would allow us without ever showing their faces).  I tried talking to other youth pastors, but they just didn’t seem to be as concerned as I was about this issue.  I tried talking to my Sr. Pastor, but he too didn’t seem to understand my burden.  At this time there was simply one model for youth ministry, whereby youth ministries existed to make disciples of teenagers.  This internal struggle went on for several years, waxing and waning in intensity, but constantly present.  In fact, this issue was at the center of the reason that, after serving as youth pastor for almost 9 years, I felt the need to step down at my previous church. 

When I first arrived at Grace church the leadership seemed to share my burden and my uncertainty—my burden for ministering to kids and their families in a biblical way (even if that looked different from the norm) and my uncertainty in knowing precisely how to go about it.  While it was refreshing to share the load with others, I still felt the weight of my ignorance.  However, over the following two years, through prayer, study, and discussion, I, along with Pastor Daniel and Tony, have come to a point of greater joy and clarity. 

Before getting to the nuts and bolts, I want to say two quick things:

1.   First, I doubt that much (if any) of this stuff will be completely new to you.  I don’t claim to offer any never-before-been-heard biblical principles here.  All that I claim to offer is an ordering or arranging that I think will be very helpful. 

2.   Second, there seems to be a tendency among Christian parents to pick and chose from among the principles below.  We take the ones that we like or are easy for us, leave the rest, and fill in the gaps with other philosophies.  It simply won’t do to pick and chose from among the biblical principles on parenting.  We must either accept them as the word of God or quit pretending that we want to raise our children Christianly. 

With all of this in the way of background, I offer the following thoughts, on behalf of the elders at Grace, in response to the question, “What should the relationship be between parents, their kids, and the local church in the context of ministering to kids?” 

The necessary order

For the Christian, answering all such questions must begin with the same four initial steps (three acknowledgements/confessions and a question):

1.   The Word of God is the standard for all things, including ministry to children (2 Timothy 3:16).  We need to begin with the notion that the Bible is our guide.  Its commands and principles are not negotiable.  They are absolutely true and good.  For the Christian, the Word of God is always our highest authority.

2.   The Word of God teaches that all things, including ministry to children, exist ultimately for the glory of God (Romans 11:36).  We still haven’t said anything unique about ministering to kids.  All things exist to demonstrate the glory of God.  Ministering to kids is no exception. 

3.   The Word of God also teaches that the will and strength to glorify God in any area, including ministry to children, comes from God (Philippians 2:12-13).   As you hear the principles that follow, I imagine that some of you will be thinking, “Sounds great, but there’s no way that we can do that.  It’s too hard”.  The truth is, you’re right.  You can’t do it on your own.  You and I wouldn’t even want to obey God (let alone actually be able to do so) apart from the grace of God.  Obeying God in this area (as in all areas) requires hard work on our part empowered by God’s strength.

4.   How, then, does the Word of God teach that we are to glorify God, by the power of God, in ministering to children?  And so, once again, we’re left with the question of the weekend.

No matter the issue, for the Christian, determining the will of God for a particular topic must always begin with these four steps.  We simply replace “children’s and youth ministry” with “money” or “drugs” or “marriage” or “career paths” or “hobbies” or whatever else we are after.

What Scripture Says

Simply put, then, we are left with the task of combing Scripture for passages and principles and commands and categories that deal with the issue of ministering to children.  Having done that we have come up with the following observations:

1.   Ministry is the process of making disciples (Matthew 28:18-20).  Therefore, all ministry to children must have as its goal glorifying God by making disciples.  Making disciples of children means making them followers of Jesus (individuals who, by grace, through faith in Jesus’ death on the cross, glorify God and enjoy Him forever).

a.   Following Jesus to the cross (Ephesians 2:13-16; Colossians 1:19-20).

Colossians 1:19-20  For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell,  ²⁰ and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

b.   Following Jesus from the cross to glory (2 Corinthians 3:18; 1 Thess. 5:23-24; Romans 8:29).

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24  Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  ²⁴ He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

2.   The biblical charge and responsibility for making disciples of children rests ultimately (and in a sense, solely) on their parents (Ephesians 6:4; Deuteronomy 6:4-9).  Therefore, we are acting in disobedience to the Word of God when we program, teach, or otherwise practice youth ministry in any way that communicates otherwise. 

a.   The very heart of parenting is ministering to your kids (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4).  That is, it’s not parenting if it doesn’t include ministry.  Part of the definition of what it means to be a parent, in Scripture, indeed, the most important part of the definition of what it means to be a parent, in Scripture, is ministering to your kids. 

The point here is that you simply cannot say to yourself, I just want to be a good parent (feed and clothe and teach manors and educate and such); I’ll deal with this ministering/Christian stuff later or I’ll just leave that stuff to someone else. 

Proverbs 22:6  Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:4  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

b.   Under biblical hierarchy.  We must not neglect or bypass any aspect of God’s ordained hierarchy. 

Ephesians 4:4-6  There is one body and one Spirit- just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call-  ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism,  ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

                                                 ii.   Husbands over wives (Ephesians 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3).

Ephesians 5:23-24  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

                                                iii.   Parents over children (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20). 

Ephesians 6:1-3  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  ² "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise),  ³ "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."

The damage that’s been done by messing with this hierarchy is immeasurable. 

c.   The Bible holds out great hope for parents who love, fear, and obey God in parenting.

                                                   i.   The pattern of Scripture.  Without exception* in Scripture (in both the Old and New Testaments) the children of believing parents (until they are old enough to rebel) are described as part of God’s people.  The expectation in Scripture is that children of Christian parents will be believers.

                                                 ii.   The promises of God (Malachi 2:15; Acts 2:38-39; Deuteronomy 5:9-10; Deuteronomy 7:9; Ezekiel 37:24-26; Isaiah 65:22-23; Psalm 103:17-18; Proverbs 22:6).

Acts 2:38-39  And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.  ³⁹ For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself."

Psalm 103:17-18  But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children,  ¹⁸ to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments.

3.   The church’s responsibility in making disciples of children is to equip parents to carry out their God-given responsibility of making disciples of their children and to help care for orphans (spiritual and literal). 

a.   Equipping parents (Ephesians 4:11-14).

Ephesians 4:11-14  And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers,  ¹² to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,  ¹³ until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ,  ¹⁴ so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.

                                                   i.   Training

                                                 ii.   Expertise

                                                iii.   Logistics

                                               iv.    Partnership

                                                 v.   Examples (1 Timothy 3:4; Titus 1:6)

                                               vi.    Resources

b.   Caring for orphans.

                                                   i.   Literal orphans (James 1:27).

James 1:27  Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

                                                 ii.   Spiritual orphans (1 Timothy 1:2; Titus 1:4). 

4.   Nowhere in the Bible does anything resembling the current youth ministry model exist (in practice or principle) whereby the church functions as the primary disciple-maker of children.  This really isn’t a separate point, but we feel that it needs to be stated explicitly.  As we’ll talk about after the break, we’re not really sure what this means, but we are sure that its relevant. 

This is tough for me because I was a youth pastor for many years and because God did many amazing things in the ministry that I oversaw.  I don’t want to think that I was acting disobediently all those years. 

 

Conclusion and questions

What does all of this mean? 

It means that part of the definition of parenting is ministering to or making disciples of your kids.  It means that this is primarily (and maybe solely) your responsibility.  It means that we, as a church, need to equip you to do this.  And it means that all of it is to be done according to God’s Word, in God’s strength, and for His glory. 

But where do we start?  What does this look like?  We’re going answer these questions generally after the break and then specifically tomorrow.

Questions?